At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
and i looked up. we had an audience...
I love Welcome Back Week...No I wont accept your god but i will accept that hot dog
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
I'm sorry I peed on myself in front of your boy toy. You should tell him I'm usually not that trashy. It was nice meeting him tho..
You're still my best friend even though you continue to pass out on random toilets every time you drink
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
