Just brushed my teeth...forgot we used this toothbrush in bed last night.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
just saw a prosititute with a baby stroller...question is...if the baby wakes up is the blow job free?
just saw an anti-abortion rally outside of the courthouse...so naturally i tossed them out a coat hanger i found in my car
I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Seriously? He's going to use MY birthday sex as the opportunity to ask if he can pee on me?!? I let him, but wow talk about selfish.
Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
Yeah we were on bar number 7 on our bike trail and you decided to steal my bike and we found you 20 minutes later eating Cheetos in the shallow end of your parents pool
One day I'm going to get tired of waking up and wondering where the glow sticks on the floor came from.
Randomize