I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.
I'll even give you a complementary welcome blowjob.
Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
I like to imagine god has to get plastered to deal with the fact that he made you and me
Last thing I remember is whiskey shots. My roommate tells me we were there 15min before I decided to run home naked. And we live across from a police station.
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Do you know who these girls are? They're baking a cake, making chicken enchiladas, and bringing me beer everytime I finish one.
Randomize
