I just called a phone sex line and you know what I did? I sat there and cried
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
It was then that he suggested we all nibble ears. A nibble circle.
want the rest of his teeth to fall out while he slowly dies alone. Pretty sure I'm to the anger phase.
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
After tacos, we're chasing women.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Either I'm getting old or the shit show is playing earlier than it used to...
Randomize
