i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
once he started yelling at me in latin, i wasn't sure what we were fighting about anymore...
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Dad stumbling and puking in the White Castle parking lot = Father's Day success
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
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