I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.
chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30
Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you
He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
The cops just came to this party I'm at and ate all of our snacks
Dude just crushed our bbq lays and told us to quiet down
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
we are not taking body shots with the irish cream
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
I need to stop getting so drunk at bowling
I sure hope so...I wonder if he could tell in that email that I'm really good at blow jobs. Hopefully he heard that tone. Any means necessary.
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