I found the seven page love letter I had written you. I'm sorry i was so obsessed.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
who's job is it to make sure we don't run out of tp since the incident of 09'... Thats right you go get some
Also, there's the possibility of falling 5 feet to your death to make it more exciting
In which case I will yell FIVE SECOND RULE and continue to slam you
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
VAL. THIS MOTHERFUCKER IS LAYING IN MY BED WEARING A CAT SHIRT, VAL. COME SAVE ME, VAL.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Just spent the morning washing Bailey's and Guiness out of my clothes -_-
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
My vibrator turned on under my pillow when I was taking a nap this morning... I nearly shit my pants.
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