bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
So, someone in Olympia stole my credit card # last week and bought a platypus vibrator with it. That’s it.
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context
at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.
we are out of drugs. and patience. please bring former.
I passed out with my wizard stick taped to my hands and got woken up being poked with a St. Bernard
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You're right. I woke up today with my ugly sweater still on and no pants. I'd say it was a successful night.
For breaking and entering. I think neighbor dan cared more about me puking in his backseat than the surprise of me waking up there
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
Today is going to be a great day. He just brought me a donut on his dick... It's Sticky Dick Donut Day!!!
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
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