just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Yea...but the guy who is beating me has a ponytail. So actually, I'm the winner here.
you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
You asked me if you had to go downstairs to get upstairs. And then you forgot where you were.
I think I want to impress his gay best friend more than him..
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
Bang-toberfest begins!!
dude, where are you? this beer run has taken so long i read war and peace, took a nap, and shaved 3 times.
i’m just listening to christina aguilera’s “your body” on repeat and trying not to pass out at my desk.
I'm not saying I'm planning to hook up tomorrow but I'm also not saying I'm unprepared for it
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
Randomize
