Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.
No mixer. Vodka in yogurt?
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Not my type, but the penis looks fun.
I am on my usual post-jerkoff high of eternal happiness. Like I could punch a fucking tiger.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I told my fuck buddy that I wanted one of his arms to take home with me to hold onto in bed and he was hurt that I didn't want to bring him, like as a person, home to my family. I feel like you and only you could appreciate this.
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
That was the first time i’ve been physically intimidated by a LinkedIn profile.
My boss walked into my office and gave me a toothbrush and tips for dealing with sex hair. She knows what’s up
A Valium induced mom decided to walk into my bedroom this morning without knocking. Guess what I was doing? FML
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