My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.
I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
You made her yell her own name while you were fucking so that you would remember it in the morning.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
She proposed we share a dildo. Hopefully she was joking.
I found them in the bathroom trying to wrap an American flag around Steve's dick. I didn't bother to ask questions.
Me too like the fact they didn't arrest me wants to send them an edible arrangement
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
There's a Japanese guy here dressed as a Viking who just screamed "wats up cocksluts" and kicked a guy in the face. come get me out of here.
did you know that sneaking into a golf course at midnight is a felony? the cop made sure to tell us after she peed on the course and hit on him
Randomize