So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
I can't belive they dont sell booze Sunday mornings. I mean some of us have to work
FB needs to have a relationship status called...screwing my roommates bf..linking their names would be an easier to tell her!
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
He gave me a pearl necklace on top of my Karma necklace I was wearing. I guess I deserve whats coming to me.
I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
I texted her that I burned my tongue drinking coffee so it hurt to talk or kiss... How many points do I get for doing her without talking or making out first?
Randomize
