If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
I may or may not have melted a dent into the top of my minifridge with my hot glue gun, which I left on for the past couple hours unsupervised, while we were on our salvo/savers excursion. Welcome to Halloween in college.
I need to stop researching the drugs I do on Wikipedia. The parts about abuse and dependency hit too close to home
my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
when we woke up this morning she was missing two teeth. the front two.
How does a face ride mean we're back together?
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I know it's wrong but I'm human. Now get over here, tie me up, feed me pizza and Fuck the crazy out of me. Please.
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