Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.
Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......
I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
And now whenever I see a documentary about dolphins, I think about sex, which is super weird
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
He told me he was my brother roommate in college after we fucked, but already knew that so I had pretend I didn't know that.. like how I pretended I finished. 2/10
I woke up on a park bench with a nice homeless guy waking me up. I bought us Carl's Jr. Best birthday ever!
I'm pretty sure I regained my virginity last night
Randomize
