Sometimes, dog treats look like people treats.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
We went to Olive Garden so high we didn't talk and managed to be awkward enough for the waiter to ask if it was our first date
There's always a silver lining when massive voluptuous tits are involved
Why is it pressure? I want to see your cute face and possibly sit on it. You make it like its a bad thing.
My boss asked me to pass over one of my business cards and instead I had condoms fall out of my wallet, how’s your day going??
we went book shopping, so yes this relationship is going to be about more than sex
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