I'm pretty sure his head is too big to fit between my legs. Worthless.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
oh right, i forgot that not everyone has a go-to blowjob
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT
Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together
Maybe don't sell him so much adderall next time. The other day during finals he was convinced that he could see the "molecules of life in the air" and kept reaching up slowly to grab them.
He called me 'pal' while complimenting how well I took his load on my face. I've officially been fuckbuddy-zoned.
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
