So I just went home and made my own spanx by cutting the legs off of a pair of nylons. I'm either a genius or missed my calling to live in a trailer park.
Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.
No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.
He used one end of the towel to wipe the cum and I used the other end to wipe the tears
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
My phone has started autocorrecting "monogamy" to "monogamish"
2 weeks shy of 25 and all I’m wishing for is a secret admirer who pulls my trash cans to the curb Wednesday morning for me because I always forget to Tuesday’s nights thanks to it being dollar draft night at the local bar
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
test was negative. but nancy drew has yet to solve the case of the missing period.
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
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