Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
I went to bed at ten on a Friday night I have virtues to spare
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
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