Food network will be on but we won't be watching
O by "watching" I mean "background noise"
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.
He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?
Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though
He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
i just woke with half a bagel saran wrapped to my phone and a cookie in an envelope beside my head...
I almost tased myself
I dont think you should own that device.
It's an awesome device. I love this device.
Cleaned the whole house at 7:30 and after cleaning the bathroom I think I had cocaine on my sweatpants
"hahahaha" is not a sufficient reply when I tell you my mother laughed at a joke about me giving blowjobs.
dude the water is back on, you can stop shitting under the tree . . .
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