Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.
his version of basketball was throwing hot sauce packets down my cleavage at taco bell at 2 am with his buddy.the cashier kept score
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Aren't you proud to know somebody who texts you "manifold facade" while dumping frozen colada mix into a blender of rum
THE HALLOWEEN QUEST WILL BE PICS OF US IN OUR COSTUMES IN EXCHANGE FOR DICK PICS. IT HAS BEEN DECIDED.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I just walked out of the side door of the bar to come in the front door so no one would know I've been here drinking before our work meeting.
I've slapped too many boys and done too many naked laps for it only to be 10:30pm
It's a lot harder to work after sex than it is to work drunk... just saying.
As a BFF it is your duty to answer when I drunk call you at 3 in the morning because I couldn't find a knife to cut that cake. I finally found one, fell asleep with it and the cake in bed. K thanks bye.
just got back. in my inebriated state i broke an ugly lamp and was sent to the store (still drunk) to get a new one. just spent last half hour in isle 3 of dollar general surounded by more ugly lamps and trying not to throw up on each and every single one.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
