I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
I feel violated. a guy just did an ultrasound on my balls. He made eye contact..
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.
That was definitely the right answer.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
Either she's trying to smother me and failing, or she just has a really bad sense of where her tits should go.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
The tequila monkeys have a drum solo in my skull right now. I can't imagine Emily feels better.
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
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