I don't have the money to get a cast so we made one from stuff at the craft store.
I'm destined to be knocked up by a sailor
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.
So I vaguely remember making out with you this morning, I think you were on a date?
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
the only reason I'm still sleeping with him is to get the university's secure wifi password
Okay I'm ready to show you that my weiner still works
Too late, I'm convinced it's broken
Wanted to let you know I hooked up with your brother.
i thought he was gay wtf
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
Randomize
