Charged a drink to your name last night. Thanks for the whiskey
Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
Yeah he kicked my ass... He probably wouldnt have hit me as hard though if I wasnt lauging and yelling " I fucked your sister I fucked your sister" over and over again.
Getting stoned and going to costco. If i'm not back by dawn, you know what to do.
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
Partial kegs from last night are currently in my bathtub, which leads me to 2 questions: 1. What are you doing tonight? 2. Can I use your shower?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Just woke up from a weed coma and found a stem in my bra. Rainy day success.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Who knew removing piercings would be so radical?
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
