I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.
math is fun
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
Can we make a sex game out of monopoly somehow?
You were so drunk, you called my cruise control, the "auto pilot" and asked my car politely to take us to Taco Bell.
I'm in a dress, surrounded by Republicans, and the bartender just told me he's "out of Jack Daniels" in a very accusatory tone. Shit, is it only 8 PM?
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
HE MIGHT HAVE YOUR BUTTHOLE, BUT HE CANT HAVE YOUR HEART. THATS MINE.
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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