I kind of had a moment like that kid whose mom cancelled his WoW subscription, except I didn't try to shove a remote control up my own ass.
Is it weird that I miss finding cum in my bed?
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I would drive 12 hours round trip for you to have an orgasm, cause that's friendship
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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