don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
This pizza tastes like mashed potatoes. HOW HIGH DO YOU THINK I AM?
You watched "From Justin to Kelly" and sang along to more than half of the songs. I didn't know whether to laugh or to be insanely frightened that you knew almost all the lyrics.
just to let you know coffee and vodka was a bad way to start the day
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Also, asking the guy who just told you he is crippled on edibles to watch your kid is probably frowned upon by most
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
I was too hungover to sit up and pull the curtains closed so I did it with my toes
Literally just took 6 shots in the shower..I’ve got this.
She threw my purse across the room almost broke a lamp and this all started bc she forgot what an air mattress was
Randomize
