I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
How was the party
I came home with only one shoe, a t shirt tied around my shoeless foot and I was covered in motor oil. Oh and my shorts were inside out. So you tell me
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