I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
six shots in, he is hammered and doing stretches before each shot
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
my roommate woke me up with head. more awkward than it sounds.
In the middle of pounding my asshole he stopped and said, "do you want to get breakfast after this?"
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
Randomize