Told my mom a bit ago she'd meet you tonight
Um...??
She's excited
Why are there so many empty soda cans in my room?
You put them in a circle around your bed and said it was the best way to ward of the witches from hocus pocus....then you remembered you needed salt too. I'm assuming you havent gone to the bathroom yet.
she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store
i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
Just got to Evans to buy weed. His mom showed up unannounced. Now the three of us are chillen. Super.
But seriously I might need help getting spray paint off of my body.... But don't worry about the penis I scrubbed him already
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
Wanna guess where my charger was last night.....in my cooler with my beer. I put it in there because I knew I would never forget my beer.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
Randomize
