i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
he told me he had a gf and in the very next sentence asked if I wanted to have sex.
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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