I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.
Where's it at?
In your pants.
he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Well, for starters, she called the condom a "dick mask."
She needs sedatives and a leash
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
I heard the bride mutter "I should have brought a fucking tranquilizer". I'm not at all surprised that you got banned from the bar afterwards.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
I got eaten out in the igloo at snow-kings castle last night.My thighs were literally melting ruts in the ice bench.Definitely colder than the minus 40 blowjob at Desiree's wedding
About that photo of the cake you just sent. You do realize it’s on a glass table, right? We can all see your reflection in it, and you’re very obviously naked.
Randomize
