my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
If there was chocolate on Regis Philban's dick, I would totally lick it off. That's how desperate I am for some right now.
I'm pretty sure God is rooting for me with this two gf thing
There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun
Remind me if I threw up on you last night or if that was just a dream.
She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.
can we get vodka so I have an excuse for being an emotional wreck
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
This girl just texted me asking me to drop her cheese. What the fuck for that mean?
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
So never has there been a greater Valentine's Day gift than you actually putting a new roll of toilet paper on for me after using the old roll up! You didn't even use the new roll. You clearly put that on from a gentleman's standpoint vs. a selfish standpoint. I love you!!!!
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
If I ever drink whiskey again make sure I don't eat the plastic cups that I'm drinking them from.
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