Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?
His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
so thats a no on the drunken crutches race 2moro
he also bled all over my floor. unrelated to cats but true nonetheless.
Let's be honest I'm gonna watch murder she wrote and eat taquitos at three am
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I'm literally rolling on acid for the first time during Thanksgiving. Help me.
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
you can't just call dibs on my vagina bro.
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
Randomize
