I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Just got caught staring at a woman breast feeding. My only response was, "She's so adorable".
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
I had sex with him and I blame the Doritos
just put a ruler in a cup trying to measure how much ivve had to drink..... God help me
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