I bought a boat. Want to have sex on The Angry Clam? That's what I named it.
If you're gonna cry pregnant again I'm not coming over.
I stuck it in and pulled it out
Did she like it?
She giggled?
She liked it
You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!
Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!
I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.
Totally get that.
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
I can't believe i lost my ID... bringing my birth certificate to the club was a weird experience
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
You kept yelling stranger danger at Nick because he was talking to that girl you didn't like. Your not invited ever again.
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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