my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
he told me my vagina needed a tic tac
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
She just gave me a free latte.
Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.
Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl
The guy at the Apple store said the warranty does NOT cover getting cum out of the keyboard. I can't believe I believed you.
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
He ate me out while I finished season 1 of Stranger Things. If that's not a modern day relationship goal, then I don't know what is.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
I'm eating Arby's in the bathtub because I'm an adult and I do what I want
Randomize
