the day after is always just damage control
Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel
Only the gays
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
For my birthday I want you to get me in bed with Donald Trump. That is all. You have 3 months
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
Do you want to talk about dinosaurs?
I woke up and there was a huge blow up palm tree in my bed...
Trying to figure out these fractions. I bought 5 fifths of gin last week. Does that mean I have one whole gin? 5/5 = 1, right? You're having to homeschool your kids right now--so ask them.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
Randomize
