i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
if my spotter knew I was listening to the Wicked soundtrack on my iPod, I wouldn't even be mad if he dropped the barbell on my throat
woke up this morning with a fat chick but she went downstairs and made pancakes without saying a word.
considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
also, I heard you can donate your eggs for like $8gs....hellloooo mediterranean vacation. thank youuuu future babies!!!
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
Can I just have sex with him and then never talk to him? I need him to be the Mr. Miyagi of my sex life.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
The dick pic bandit just sent me a poem about showering..
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
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