Drinking in an igloo changes everything.
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
You came home with a traffic cone and said, "this is my birthday condom."
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
I'll be visiting the rave tower. Prepare your finest boxed wines for my consumption.
I told you being able to play expert on guitar hero would get us laid one day
Dude, I can't even reach my asshole to wipe it. I have a lot more to be thankful for this Thanksgiving.
I can't help you there
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
I think we have some hyper-understanding of each other when drunk, because looking back at our text convo from last night, they were literally just jumbled letters.
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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