I guess there's a 50 percent chance that it was her that wet my bed.
so remember that time i slept over and came home in the morning to realize i left my vibrator next to the faucet for parents and brothers to see? this is worse
While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
they're doing drop shots of Jager into red wine. i don't want to be on that level
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
I gotta find new tactics tho. There's just so many tied up dicks one can look at before part of your soul dies.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
I woke him up with a blow job and he started sing "oh the USAAAA. IT'S GOING TO BE S BEAUTIFUL DAYYYYY"
He wanted to have sex in a church because he has keys to it from court-ordered community service. WHAT IS STANDARDS?
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I woke up this morning to my panties draped around the neck of an empty bottle of bulleit. That is the perfect visual metaphor for my life at this juncture.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
