Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I'm sorry for what I said earlier...your vagina wouldn't look funny If you had a kid.
Wow anytime a scalper has i need tix written on the back of a franzia box thats a trusted seller
Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"
At one point I went looking for you and found you handcuffed to a chair. I'm pretty sure you handcuffed yourself. I don't know how you got there.
I'm drinking Leinenkugel through a Red Vine. I'm not drunk. I'm just happy with my life so far.
You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches
Shroomed with my best friend'a dad at his wife's surprise birthday party so you can say I have experience in the field
HE FINALLY TEXT ME AND CALLED ME BY MY TWITTER NAME STAND BY FOR THE WEDDING INVITE, BRIDESMAID
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
I gave him blue balls & ate the last slice of pie so the chances of a second date are slim...
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Last night was fun but it wasn't right. I will say that our lives intersected for a brief and intense moment and we will just leave it there.
So drinking that old rum that I found in the ceiling of my dorm was prob not my best idea. But good news: my puke was so colorful b/c of all the skittles i ate
Randomize
