im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Hospital. He tried giving some kid a stone cold stunner during a real fight.
The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance
Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
I wound up gambling on giant connect four with the bartender. I think he saw my boobs.
the amount of 23-year-old guys who have seen me naked is starting to get a little worrying
I have 13 missed calls from when I slept outside on some rocks
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
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