I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.
you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
He was wearing an Affliction shirt, a Monster hat, and he asked me for anal within 5 minutes of meeting me. Like 3 strikes and you're out, bro.
I just got a lap dance from a sexy cop in return for giving him his sunglasses back. I think this is going to be the beginning of a really great friendship
We had sex in his hot tub. Then we saved a mouse that almost drown in his pool. We celebrated our heroism with more sex.
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I changed his name in my phone to "Irrelevant" last night. Not changing it back.
Randomize
