i wanted a birthday blowjob. not a birthday VD.
She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.
It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
I walked into my room to see them crying, watching hey arnold, and passing a franzia box back and forth...
looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
On her way to bed she said, "If you have sex on the couch, just move my blanket" Needles to say, we moved the blanket
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize
