As heartfelt as your proposal was- I will NOT marry for money- especially to someone who still owes me $700. You r officially pathetic!!
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
could you please explain to me why my jumper cables are on my bedroom floor?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
Hey ask him if he likes swappy seconds
Mike showed up naked and in handcuffs. Again. Feel free to come over and laugh because I'm not helping this time.
You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
I woke up with broken tostitos all over my bed and a snap chat of myself flipping off the camera.
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Randomize
