So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
So some girl kept staring at me and giving me these weird looks. That's when I realized she could probably hear the Mulan soundtrack playing on my iPod...
His mom took away his car and made him quit his job.
HE'S 26!!!
Whenever someone from high school gets pregnant or has a pregnancy scare my self esteem grows a good 5 points
I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.
No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
OH FOR FUCKS SAKE! SOMEONE TOOK ME FOR A GODDAMN PROSTITUTE!! IM WEARING LEG WARMERS!!! THAT IS LIKE THE LEAST HOOKERISH THING TO WEAR!
That night just went downhill after you pissed yourself while sitting on my lap
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
I'll be honest, I too would punch the 21 year old version of myself in the face, and then have rough sex with him.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
Randomize
