Go study a dick amy that's outrageous
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
There are traffic cones in the living room. One of them is yours.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Sorry 4 leaving u in the dumpster last night
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
you peed off the balcony at your sisters and asked someone below to catch it with a cup
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I've had sex near too many of the blankets to let our parents touch them like this
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
On a serious note, don't let me forget to tell you about firecracker baseball. I'm glad I have my fingers. I had to count them.
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
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