Just saw a girl in a wheelchair puke then rally. Diversity matters.
Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
Just recreated a sandwich from the caf in my own kitchen. Graduation denial at it's finest.
I'm not gay but if a lesbian wants to eat my box out I'm not gonna say no to someone who knows what they're doing.
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I wish u could call a dildo. Like you do a missing cell phone.
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Someone sitting next to me at this football game is totally eating chicken nuggets out of his pocket and drinking four loko. I wanna be him.
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
Randomize
