I just walked into the kitchen and my dad was having this uber serious convo
With himself
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
I woke up to somebody tossing my salad... I should have drank more
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I think our camping neighbours like us. We're the drunk girls trying to chop firewood with no pants on at 3 in the afternoon.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
My drug dealer bought me a book for Christmas. What a gentleman.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
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