you fell asleep during kickboxing this morning
how does that even happen??
i was having this nice romantic moment with my girlfriend. then jimmy came in and peed on the fridge
I'd suck anything for a pizza right now
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
Sounds good. I will just get tanked here and wear this batman mask.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
i can't invite random hot hobos into my aunt's house.
I've been up for almost three hours and it took me until JUST NOW to figure out that what I'm tasting isn't blood, just the minerals in the water. Fuck hangovers, man.
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
They got skeletons in the booths to enforce social distancing.
Thought they were weekend at berniesing that shit at first.
Randomize
