Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?
Because you touch yourself at night.
Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you
when im not freaking out about dying alone and unloved, i actually really enjoy being single
you should wait a day or two to break up with your girlfriend
why?
so we can have sex in the meantime. It adds a little excitement.
His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
I have way too big of a thanksgiving food baby to enjoy any of my old high school booty calls
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
I wish I could send you one of those donuts I had. Like teleport it to you. Because it would change your life
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
Randomize
