every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
Today I ate a sandwich and half my molar fell off, feels like a semi sprayed into my jaw.
I wish i was spraying into your jaw.
Note to self: never do anything I don't want to explain to a paramedic
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
I've seen you go skiing on a Tuesday, but you think you're too good for TGI Friday's?
You wouldn't put pants on to see my parents.
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Just finished 151. Eating nutella off a spoon. Bring condoms.
Want to come over and dangle your tits on top of me like a skewer?
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