So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
no. i seriously look so gross with this sunburn. i wouldnt even wanna bang myself. and im really into myself.
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
The world would have a new energy source if someone would just take a blacklight to the backseat of that slut's car
Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.
He's such a gentleman. He didn't even ask why my bra was flung on the seat of my car. He just took my snow brush, pushed it onto the floor and said, "Let's go I'm hungry."
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
I mean it's like...I'm sorry I slept with your boyfriend but is it my fault that he failed to mention you when I was giving him head in the Dave and Busters bathroom?
There is so much wrong with that sentence
Yeah there really shouldn't be a bar at D&B's...shit gets real
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Yo, how much weed can I get for a caf swipe?
It was a great party. People were literally still doing shots and playing drunk Jenga at 6am...
My mom heard me having sex with my boyfriend but thought it was the neighbors. She commented on how quick it was. I just nodded and changed the subject
Randomize
