i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
found a strand of your hair in my car. it's 1 ft 7 inches long
wtf you measured my hair?
just wondering who decided to put a cup of throw up in my fridge
In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
Please stop calling me a pterodactyl during sex. It only happens when you're drunk, but still.
Randomize
